How to feed an Englishman

If you’re even wondering what could make this topic deserving of a whole blog post, much less multiple blog posts (because this is a subject I can expound on at great length), clearly you won’t be able to relate. You either do not live with a picky Englishman, you are happy to make mainly things like roasts, chips, sausages, pies, fish fingers or fry-ups or you ARE the person of whom I speak. If so, this is not for you so please feel free to stop here. However, if you like being a bit experimental with food and try new things AND you live with an Englishman, you may just know what I mean.

One must begin somewhere so I’m just going to start with some basic rules which have actually taken me quite a few years to fully understand. In fact, if the truth be known, I’m still trying to get my head round some of them as they just make no sense. To add to the confusion, there are also many lower-level rules that are sub-sets of the main rules.

Main rule number 1
Food that is in any way weird (i.e. didn’t get consumed when they were growing up, has a name they don’t know or is a bit unusual in appearance) is always highly suspect and likely to be rejected without being tasted.

Main rule number 2
Food that comes from a factory is the standard by which all other food is measured. This is a pretty important one and will receive the attention it deserves later on (in another post most likely).

Main rule number 3
Food needs to be described with utmost care to avoid it being rejected out of hand without even getting to the cooking stage.

For example, I say something like: “Do you fancy a pork ragu tonight?” and assume that it is understood I’m offering to make actual top-quality pork in a tomato sauce.

However, what he hears is: “How do you fancy being made to gag by being forced to consume some bizarre inedible concoction probably involving offal or hooves or snouts or something generally revolting”. This actually took me some years to work out.

Therefore, when describing any food that is not some bog standard thing all English people appear to know from birth, do NOT, under any circumstance, use its actual name. Calling the above item a pork ragu was my first and most major mistake that prevented us from consuming it for years. Make stuff up that clearly explains what it is and makes it sound like something he can relate to. Once he’s tasted it and liked it, the real name of the dish can be introduced and repeated until it is remembered. Yes, this may sound tedious and painful but it does mean you can increase the repertoire of acceptable dishes.

Main rule number 4
Choosing the correct words to describe foods is extremely important. This is not the same as Rule 3 since that one refers to names of dishes that may be unfamiliar. This one is a bit different in that its more about description. For example: “Shall we have cauliflower mash on the side?” is greeted not only with rejection but utter disdain, whereas the question “Shall we have cauliflower puree?” produces a positive response. We duly consume the puree and it is well received. We are allowed to have this again. Result! The same rule has successfully been applied to pea puree and worked a treat.

Main rule number 5
New foods can be introduced as long as no pressure is applied to try them. What this means in reality is when making a meal, I can make an extra side dish of whatever thing I would like to introduce. As it’s an extra, there is no obligation to eat it. Also, it must not be pushed. It should be left sitting in the pot so that it can be cautiously inspected (cat-like) and maybe a tiny taste can be had. If it’s a fail then no stress, there’s plenty of food to make a decent meal and I have leftovers to eat for lunch the next day. However, if it’s a success, loads of said item will get eaten with the added bonus that we can have it again. Using this method, cauliflower rice has been tasted and deemed acceptable, even nice. However, initially wanting to make cauliflower rice to go with a curry instead of regular rice produced a horrified and disgusted reaction. Sad but true.

So, these are the mere basics, within which many nuances and sub-rules exist. Some things just can’t be rationalised in any way so that no solution is in sight, and some things can be understood via some kind of warped logic, and once understood, can be built upon. Some things however, still elude me. But more on all this later. After all, I need to give you some reason to come back here….